November has arrived, and this is when holiday talk and planning begin in earnest. It also happens to be National Family Caregiver Awareness Month, so let’s make sure you find good ways to take care of yourself through this holiday season and beyond.

We’d all like to think that the holidays are all about joy, laughter, love, and celebration, but reality is usually so very different—planning around your loved ones’ needs, family expectations, and your own needs (yes, they do matter). The collective amount of guilt, frustration, anxiety, and tension around family gatherings for the holidays is enormous.

Planning for family gatherings during the holidays involves negotiating with family members who have varying opinions of how things should be. When the holidays include the participation of frail loved ones, stress and tension run high. When a loved one can’t (or shouldn’t) attend because of distance, time, physical/cognitive limitations, or logistics, there always seems to be even greater stress, and the idea of enjoyment plummets.

Let’s explore this holiday season through the lens of your desired outcome. Reminder: a desired outcome has to be what you want, not what you don’t want, and it has to be something you have control over.

So, what is your desired outcome? If no one else mattered, what would you want for this holiday season? No judgments, self-criticism, or messages in your head like, “That’s not possible.” Just consider what you want or would like. We need to give ourselves permission to consider our own feelings and desires first. You need to experience your feelings—stepping out of autopilot mode—and connect to them. Simply sit with what it is that you feel. If you cannot even fathom what you might want, allow for a moment of fantasy. Then include variables, beliefs, obligations, etc., and determine how you might want to deal with them. Maybe there are options you haven’t yet thought of.

It’s hard to admit to thoughts like, “I wish we could just give ourselves a break this year and leave Dad home,” without fearing you’ll look like a horrible, rejecting, and unloving child.

We sometimes feel guilty when doing something different or unexpected, and this triggers the belief that we’re doing something “wrong.” Remember: Guilt is only appropriate when you actually have done or are doing something wrong.

If you simply want to make a different choice than in the past, ask yourself:

  • Is it too much for your loved one—logistically, physically, emotionally, or cognitively—to attend a holiday celebration?
  • Is it too much for you, emotionally, physically, and/or logistically?
  • Whatever the issues are, are you willing to explore alternative options before making this difficult decision?
  • Is the guilt too overwhelming to even consider other options?
  • Are you so used to doing what is expected that exploring alternatives causes you too much tension?
  • Are you fearful of other family members’ reactions, judgments, objections, etc.?

It’s understandable if you feel uncomfortable. You’re considering making a change, and changes can feel challenging—if not for you, then for those around you.

No matter what thoughts you have—it would be too hard on your loved one, too much for you, or you’re concerned about creating family conflicts—continue trying to focus on the desired outcome.

If you need time off from caregiving in order to enjoy a family event without added stress, your loved one’s health is a serious risk factor, or you’re not even sure you want to attend the family gathering, you need to give yourself permission to have your needs addressed and respected. Remember that you matter. If you or your loved one do not attend the family gathering this year, there may be some uncomfortable feelings, but you have to decide which discomfort you’re more willing to deal with.

10 Steps to Release Guilt Around Holiday Celebration Changes

1. And we breathe! Always give yourself space so you can fully process what is going on, what your feelings are, and what your thoughts and reactions are to the situation.

2. What is your desired outcome? Remember that it must be what you want, not what you don’t want, and something you have control over.

3. Set boundaries. Aim for a stress-free zone for the holiday gathering. For example, current political discussions can be fraught with stress and tension, and it definitely sabotages enjoyment. Engaging in such discussions only adds stress, which is not what you want. Giving yourself permission to arrive and depart any gathering on your own terms provides a greater inner feeling of control.

If your loved one does not attend the event:

4. Thank everyone who asks about your absent loved one for their thoughtfulness and consideration. Let them know you appreciate their concern, and that you, too, are missing those who can’t be there.

5. Do not explain, defend or justify. A simple statement like, “It just didn’t work for ___ to attend” is enough. You do not need to go into any reasons for your loved one not being present. Let anyone who asks know you will share their good thoughts with your loved one. If your loved one is cognitively aware, you can lovingly suggest, “___ would love a call from you when you get a chance” to well-wishers.

6. Practice gratitude. As you work through any conflicting feelings that arise, give yourself permission to enjoy the family gathering without any added responsibility, and continue to acknowledge that you deserve this time off and are allowed to feel grateful for it.

If you decide not to attend the family gathering:

7. Communicate with your family that this is something you need to do for yourself at this time, send your love and wishes for everyone’s good health, and tell them you look forward to seeing them in the future. Be open, honest, and sincere, but you do not need to explain, defend or justify (see 5 above).

8. Manage your expectations. Remember that the holidays do not have to be perfect. We’re not going to change who people are, so acceptance of each person’s style and personality, including your own, can help you to feel calmer and more centered.

9. If you’re feeling judged or struggling with your decision, reach out for support and guidance. Talk with a trusted friend, your therapist, or connect with our Facebook Group for caregivers. You can also access the Step-By-Step Guide for encouragement to explore new possibilities.

10. Self-care and self-respect. As the holidays approach, please take time to take care of you. It is just as important to take good care of yourself as you do of those you love.

The holidays can be enjoyable, even in times when they are celebrated differently. I wish you ease.