Are you caring for your mother right now? Have your caregiving responsibilities recently ended? Are you anticipating caring for your mother in the future?
Let’s recognize that no relationship is perfect, and our relationships with our mothers are often layered with generational patterns, unmet needs, and/or very different life perspectives. While we frequently want our mothers to change, to be who we need or want them to be, this is something over which we have no control. So, let’s start with my favorite question:
What is your desired outcome? (Remember that it must fulfill 2 requirements: It must be what you want, and it must be something over which you, yourself, have control.) Is your desired outcome to feel peace, ease, acceptance, and joy? These are emotions you do, in fact, have control over. Keep reading…
My message to you today is focused on how to best take care of yourself on days that can be fraught with a rollercoaster of emotions. Self-care is NOT selfishness, it is Self-Preservation, and it’s important to remind yourself that “the best gift you can give to someone is to truly love yourself.” —Jim Rohn
And We Breathe….
- Acknowledge the complexity (and duality) of your relationship. Accept that your relationship may not change, and that your inner peace does not have to include mutual understanding or agreement. Remember that your desired outcome is about your inner peace.
- Set clear, healthy boundaries. Practice saying “no” with compassion: If you are unable to accommodate your mother’s need when she wants, think about how else this need can be met and by whom. Consider options (other family members, friends, community resources, etc).
- Communicate with “I statements.” (I need, I feel, rather than “you should, or you need to”) I statements are inarguable. We may not like how someone feels, but how one feels cannot be denied; they need to be accepted and validated (including your feelings!).
- Shift your perspective. Your mother evolved into the person she is, whether it’s a lifetime of challenges, losses due to illness, disabilities, traumas, and where she is now in her life is adding to who she is. Can you see her through a different lens? No, it doesn’t excuse or condone bad behavior or attitude, but it may make it easier for you to take a step back.
- Practice compassionate detachment. Acceptance of who your mother is means you may need some “time-outs” to step back for periods of time to give you breathing room. It’s allowing your mother to feel how she feels without you needing to “fix it.”
- Separate the past from the present. While old wounds resurface, remind yourself that your mother may not be the person she was when you were growing up. Notice how your mother may be different, or if not, how you have changed and grown and do not have to respond to your mother the way you did in the past.
- Find support. Who is in your inner circle? Is it a friend, family member, therapist, member of your clergy, etc? Remember that in times of stress, there are always helpers; look for the helpers.
- Anticipatory Grief: No one gets out of life alive. There will be an end to your role as your mother’s caregiver. Is this something you want to discuss with your mother, or with someone in your support system? Do you feel able to have meaningful conversations about end-of-life?
- Create Space (for both of you): Do you need time off? Can someone step in for a few hours, a weekend, a week? Is it a family member, paid aides, respite care, a family friend?
- Forgiveness: Be understanding of yourself—no judgments or self-criticisms. We are all on a journey in life to learn, grow, and evolve. As I stated above, no relationship is perfect, and no one is or has to be perfect. We need to be open to learning, so that even if your mother is no longer in your life, and you have been struggling with regrets, disappointments and grief, forgiveness is a process that helps in our inner healing.
I hope these few steps are helpful as you step into this weekend filled with emotions, expectations and demands from within you as well as from others. Be willing to take loving care of yourself, and of course, when you need, please reach out for support, guidance and encouragement. I wish you peace, ease, and love through this Mother’s Day weekend and beyond.
And we breathe,
Loren
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